


honey honey, nearly kill me

by Rivran



Series: hear that bell ringing (but won't get the door) [2]
Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Car Accidents, Established Relationship, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, POV Outsider
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:34:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27602180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rivran/pseuds/Rivran
Summary: “Crowley, love, please do get up. You’re worrying the humans.”“Eugh, fine,” said the one who was apparently named Crowley and who definitely shouldn’t have been conscious. He peeled himself up from the pavement anyway.Jordan is a student just trying to catch their bus, but a certain angel and demon are having way too much fun on their holiday.This can be read standalone from the last one, but it's better if you read both!
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: hear that bell ringing (but won't get the door) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2017918
Comments: 14
Kudos: 164





	honey honey, nearly kill me

**Author's Note:**

> guess who FINALLY stopped using hozier lyrics for all their titles?? i've upgraded, it's ABBA now

Jordan was waiting for the bus, as usual. They were people-watching. Part of it was a concern for their own safety; it would be stupid not to pay attention to your surroundings, even though the city was generally safe. The other part was all curiosity. You see the weirdest people if you only take a second to look. People like these two – one in all black, wearing sunglasses, with a tall, spindly figure. The other was shorter, rounder, with fluffy hair that glowed in the sunlight. Jordan caught a second of their conversation as the pair walked by.

The dark one was gesturing so animatedly that it almost distracted them from the ridiculous sway of his hips. “I’m telling you, angel, there’s all sorts of interesting things if you just take a second to look. Like, alright, see there? They have a pub up the road! Who knew they’d have a proper pub in America?” _British_ , Jordan noted idly. _Huh. That’s not something you see every day_.

“My dear boy,” said the shorter one, who was also British. Whatever he was about to say was cut off by his friend being hit by a car.

The car slammed on its brakes just a little too late. Jordan heard a disturbingly loud crunching noise and a wet slap as the man hit the pavement six feet away. 1 The car had been going recklessly fast as it approached the red light.

“Oh shit,” said Jordan, already halfway up from the bus stop’s bench. They were already analyzing the scene in their mind: one car, no front license plate, one man, who was probably about to be inconsolable, and one pile of dark-clothed limbs in the middle of the street.

“Excuse me, I’m an EMT,” they said. “Well, in training. Technically in school. Whatever,” they continued, a little more frazzled than they meant to sound. “I can help.” They moved to kneel down next to the body-that-was-probably-already-a-corpse, but a hand on their shoulder stopped them.

“Thank you, dear, but that won’t be necessary,” said the one who was still standing and not screaming.

Jordan blinked. “Sir,” they said, “are _you_ alright?”

“Crowley, love, please do get up. You’re worrying the humans.”

“Eugh, fine,” said the one who was apparently named Crowley and who definitely shouldn’t have been conscious. He peeled himself up from the pavement anyway. Sticky black blood faded away like a shadow. Bones clicked back into their original places as he got up. The knees of his jeans had shredded when he skidded on the concrete, revealing bloody smears that quickly faded away without a hint of a scar. He shook his hair loose from its tangled state, and the gash that had split open his cheekbone knitted itself shut. His sunglasses untwisted themselves. He settled them back onto his nose. “Well, that was fun.” He made his way back to the bus stop and sat on the bench.

Jordan stared at the man. “But – you – he – what the fuck,” they spluttered. “Didn’t you see him go flying?” They turned to the one who really should have been dead by now.

“Oh, like that counts as flying. Hardly even worth it,” he grumbled.

“What the fuck,” they repeated. It wasn’t a question. For a moment, they wondered if _they_ had been the one who was hit by a car. This had to be a hallucination or something. They took a spot on the other bench, not really wanting to sit next to the guy who just walked away from a major medical incident.

The short one was fussing over them now. “Oh, Crowley, look, you’ve broken them,” he said, like Jordan was an old mug that had chipped in the dishwasher. “I told you to stop doing things like that where people can see you!”

“S’fine, angel,” said Crowley. He waved his hand airily. “Just – I’ll miracle the memory and we can get on our way, right?”

“What the fuck,” they whispered.

“Actually,” continued the short one (Angel, supplied Jordan’s memory), “perhaps you should keep it intact. You remember that whole affair in Vauxhall?”

“Yes, of course! How could I forget the blessed Vauxhall thing? We only came all the way to America to escape it.” He paused. Jordan assumed the two men made eye contact, but it really was hard to tell through the glasses. “Oh, angel, you are brilliant,” he said, and a devilish grin spread across his face. “Okay, fine, no miracling it better. What’s the worst that could happen?”

They felt goosebumps raise on the back of their neck. Something in that voice promised a lot of ‘worst things that could happen’.

“Look, I believe that’s your bus,” said the angel one. “So sorry to bother you, my dear. Have a lovely day.”

Jordan barely registered the bus pulling away from the curb. Two stops passed. Then three more. Then five more.

They raised their phone with shaking hands.

 _guys_ , they typed out, _y’all are never gonna believe what just happened to me, but hear me out, I swear im not crazy_

 _Let me guess, you ran into the dude that resurrected himself on State Street?_ replied their friend. She included a link to a tweet. It showed the scene as Jordan remembered it, just from the other side of the street. The video started with the dude crumpled on the ground and ended with him and the angel one walking off.

 _holy shit yeah it’s that guy,_ said Jordan. _i tried to go help the dude but his partner (boyfriend? husband? neither of them were wearing rings but they sure acted like an old married couple) told me “nah he’s good” and then he did that shit_

 _Hey I recognize those guys!! You’re not gonna believe me when I tell you though,_ responded another friend. Jordan raised their head and silently thanked God for group texts. They made everything so much easier.

_bro try me. its been a wild day_

_Okay so like a month ago there was this building in London that blew up. Like just straight up exploded. They don’t know why it happened but ANYWAY. It had like a hundred people in it at the time but hardly anybody died and like no one was hurt_

_that’s cool, kinda weird but ok_

_Yeah, it gets weirder!! Look at this,_ came the reply with another video. This one looked like CCTV footage. Jordan watched the men walk through the rubble like it was nothing. They doubted it was the same people from before, but then the video switched to a different angle. They bit their lip. It did look like the same pair.

_okay yeah definitely the same people. but I don’t see whats so weird abt it_

_Just watch to the end ok?_

Jordan switched back to the video. They watched honest-to-god wings stretch out before the men flew to the upper floors of the building. The beginning of existential fear was starting to grip their stomach.

_JOSH. YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME THEY WERE ANGELS_

_Sorry!! I thought you would wanna see for yourself_

_ok yeah you’re right. but STILL WHAT THE FUCK??? I WAS ABOUT TO DO FIRST AID ON AN ANGEL????_

_That’s so crazy. Do you think it would have worked?_

_it wouldn’t have mattered, the guy just picked himself up like nothing even happened_

_Josh do you really think human first aid would work on angels?_

_Idk, maybe?? Jordan should’ve done it anyway, I wanna know_

They shut off the phone and closed their eyes. At least their friends were as reliably weird as ever, unlike the world around them.

The automated voice of the bus announced its arrival at the train station. Jordan got off, then paused. They were alone on the platform. The bus _never_ arrived early enough to catch the empty train, so they usually got stuck in rush hour.

“Lucky,” they muttered. “Almost… miraculous.”

They dug around in their backpack, looking for their water bottle. They hadn’t refilled it before they left school, but there should have been some left in the bottle. It was full when they found it. They frowned at it. Something reflective glinted at them from the bottom of the bag.

It was a sandwich, wrapped in plastic wrap. Jordan could see ham and cheese and a thin layer of Sriracha, just like they usually made it. It was still cold.

They pulled their phone back out.

_so I think I got blessed by the angels_

_Bro what??_

_yeah my water bottle was full and ice cold, and I found a sandwich in my bag that I def didn’t make this morning. the bread is fresh toasted and the filling is cold and everything_

They took a bite of the sandwich. It was pretty good, for a magic sandwich. As they ate, their mind drifted over the events of the day. One detail stuck out to them.

_oh also I just remembered that the tall one had BLACK BLOOD. how did I not notice anything while he was on the ground_

_Dude no way!!!_

_asdfhjks I KNOW_

_No way. Do you think he’s a demon?_

Jordan took another bite of the sandwich and typed out their response. _nah, he was too nice to be a demon. i think he’s just goth_

Their train arrived. They smiled as they boarded, despite everything. 

_I’m totally bragging about this when I get home._

* * *

1\. The pedestrians didn’t know this, of course, but Crowley is a dramatic bitch. The movies always show people being thrown about when they get hit by cars. Why can’t he have a bit of fun? [ ▲ ]

**Author's Note:**

> part of me was like "hey they've been on earth for millennia they wouldn't just Do That", then i remembered that this is the same demon that loudly bitched about hanging out with lucifer in the middle of a crowded pub.  
> they're idiots <3
> 
> once again, thank you so much for reading! leave a comment if you liked it and please let me know if you want to see more from me in the future


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